so alone

I am so tired of feeling so alone. I try to just suck it up and deal with it but sometimes it overwhelms me. This morning I finally lost it and freaked out. Amber had been whining and screaming and she tried to hit Bob, she spent 15 min. on the naughty mat, she tells us no, it was ridiculous. Bob gave her breakfast & she threw it all over the kitchen. Jackson is just screaming to be picked up constantly. Bob took Duke in for his vaccinations and Amber started telling me how hungry she was & she wanted nuts for lunch. I told her to wait, we'd figure out a better lunch once I did my hair. I still had a towel on my head! I just wanted to toss some gel in so it wouldn't frizz. None of my clothes look good on me. I have nothing to hide the fact that I'm in maternity pants and I have to go to my sisters wedding dress shopping outing today. My mom will surely comment about my pants. I don't want to tell people yet. We don't even know how far along I am. My mom asks a million questions and won't stop asking even after I tell her there is no answer. My dr. even can't figure out how far along I am, he said it's a miracle I'm even pregnant. I go back tuesday & he'll give me a script for an u/s and then we should have an idea. I know I'm at least 7 weeks but could be up to 10 or 11. Anyways, Amber started yelling at jackson and I lost it. I don't swear around my kids and I hardly ever raise my voice. I swore and yelled and sent her to nap and Jack was so upset he just followed. Then she was doing her fake cry screatch that she does and I told her I'd give her something to cry about if she didn't knock it off. I just can't take it anymore.

My mom has NEVER babysat Jackson and he's 20 mo. old. My mother in law did not babysit either child the entire end of October or most of November. On November 27th I was supposed to go to the ob/gyn, she offered to babysit for the first time in like 4 or 5 weeks. He got called for an emergency delivery so my appt. got rescheduled but she offered to still take them for 3 or 4 hours since she hadn't seen them in so long. That was the last time she baby sat them. We're going on 3 weeks again now. BUT she has my niece all the time, even went to the circus with her. She then makes comments that she misses Amber and Jackson. I just want to yell "Well B*tch......make time for them then." I tell her and my mom "If you want to see them just tell me, I'll make them available and even drive them out to you".............the phone doesn't ring. But they both make comments about missing them. Whenever we ask them to babysit it's a huge ordeal. My mom starts making excuses, she lives alone and complains that she does nothing but sit with her cats and never goes out or does anything but when we ask her to watch Amber because Amber tells us she misses her, she suddenly is busy. But then she'll slip up a week later & admit she sat home & did nothing. Bob's mom gets out her "book" and is surprise surprise, booked up for 2-3 weeks solid with Riley so she can't squeeze in Amber and Jackson. I'm so fed up.

I wish my step dad Rich were still alive. He wanted to be a grandpa. He never would of let my mom be the way she is. He was a good man. He was the only person I had to ever rely on and the only family I ever had. Even my mom's friends made a joke at cookie day a few weeks ago that I was on my own since I was 12. My mom was never around. I have less then 5 childhood memories of my mom. My grandma raised me. My dad before he turned 40 because drugs & booze were more important. All my memories of him are terrible. Yelling. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing. He was a terrible father and my mom was a horse shit mother. My grandma and my step father were the only people in my life worth anything and my step father was only around from about age 16-26. Not fair! I needed him still!!!! My grandma passed away almost 2 years ago.

My inlaws are terrible. I can't stand them. My brother in law is selfish and only cares about himself. My father in law drinks a lot and doesn't like me because of my mother in law. And my mother in law doesn't like me because of years of lies my ex sister in law told her. My ex sister in law even admitted to me and my husband's faces that she made up stuff for years to turn the family against me. So everyone hates me because of lies. And no one will accept that they don't even know me.

I hate.

That basically sums up how I feel.

I hate so much. I hate so many. I hate having hate in my heart and I feel like I'm constantly screwed over. Here I am, 31, pregnant for the 7th time and scared to death I'll lose this one too. I have 2 kids thank GOD! I have a husband that I think loves me. But that's really it. My 2 closest friends live so far away, one 90 min. in the car, the other 3 hours on a plane.

My sister is selfish and never around, I can't rely on her.

I hate where we live. It's terrible. The schools are terrible. The people are terrible. The traffic is terrible. But we're stuck. I am grateful we have a house, I just wish we could relocate it. I LOVE our house, even if it is small, it's home. It's our home.

I want to live in Decatur and I have to give that dream up. I feel like decatur is home. My cousins live there, I love them. Everyone is so nice. I feel like I'm part of something. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but just having family around that does want to hang out and be together is so nice. They do sunday lunches and when we visit we're just expected to be there. Everyone eats and has a good time. It's family and I need that so bad. I feel so empty here.

But bob works for his mom and their business is here so I have to give up everything. I have to give up family and love and feeling like I fit in. I have to live here with In-laws who hate me, my mother who is a total selfish a-hole and who only cares about my sister who only cares about herself.

If miranda's car breaks down or something happens my mom runs to help her. If mine has to go into the shop I have to take both kids and sit for hours. If miranda wants a shopping partner, my mom goes. I have to take both kids by myself and often strangers help me out when they're out of control. If miranda wants to get food, my mom takes her and treats, if I ask she turns me down 9 out of 10 times.

I hate.