Stinkin' Cold

I am so sick of this cold I could scream. I mean honestly, I've been coughing for like 8 weeks now. It's so bad that I'm to the point that I pee myself a little when I go into a total coughing fit. I also randomly vurp from the mucus and the acid reflux issues I'm having. The pregnancy isn't even bugging me much anymore in comparison to this cold. I threw up a stomach full of post nasal drip this morning. It's terrible. I was so dehydrated last night that Bob ran out to get me gatoraid. I can't stomach water. It's disguisting to me. He even admitted I wasn't looking to good. I feel like I've hit a brick wall most of the time.

My friend told me to try vitamin D3 in 5000IU dose (that's what her dr. who is a naturalist tells her to take). I googled around and it seems most dr.s recommend this for pregnant women in 4000IU dose but that some in only 400!!! WTF? So I think I'm going to meet in the middle. I researched the vitamin and it seems to have only good effects. My dr. is so conservative he'll probably advice against it. He's even known in the hosp. as being one of the most conservative doctors. He's a very good dr. But some things I feel like he could give a little on.

I'll probably call my general practicioner and ask her since she works through a different hospital and is less conservative. There is an ob/gyn in her office so she'll prob. confer with her and get back to me.

Nervous

My appt is in 40 min. My hubby is running late.
My stomach is super upset. I'm starving and there's nothing here I can eat (w/ out nearly vomiting)
The kids are being super gremlins and this cough is so bad that I even pee myself sometimes.
I'm sooooooooooo nervous about this u/s. My last one was when I m/c'd at the u/s office and nearly hemoraged to death. This is so hard for me to even walk into this office again and go through this again. I feel like I could have a panic attack having to go back there. I wish my dr. had other options.

I wish my stomach wasn't burning from hunger either. I had cream of wheat for breakfast & 2 pieces of toast w/ cream cheese around 10am.....soooooooooooo hungry I'm light headed. Today is not a good day.

Jackson also slammed his hand in the bedroom door and refuses to nap. He's just walking around crying and whining. I'm so stressed I don't want to deal with this. I just want to go by myself. I don't want my husband going with. I'm a ball of nerves and then I feel like I have to be a rock for him too and I just can't.

Happy Holidays

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :-)

I can't believe Christmas is 2 days away! It seems like we just celebrated Thanksgiving. We have a very busy holiday weekend planned. Today Bob gets off work at noon and he's bringing Lorena home with him. She'll be babysitting for us since I have a 1:20 ultrasound appointment. Hopefully we'll find out how far along I am soon. Tonight Lisa & Mike are coming over to exchange Christmas pressents. Last night Bob took Amber to our other neighbors (John & Chrissy) to exchange. My cough was really bad so I stayed home and let Jackson go to bed (we had planned on keeping him up to open gifts but he was tired anyways). They got Amber a cute hair bow set and a diary set that came w/ a pen that has 2 colors (all of which were proudly displayed on Amber's legs this morning LOL). Wednesday morning our neighbor Tracey stopped by to drop off gifts. She got us a game for game night and the kids a tent w/ a crawl tunnel. Since we have a crawl tunnel (and not much room for the tent) we took it to the play room at the tennis club & the kids had a BLAST! It was a great gift! Since they're up there playing 3 days a week it will get lots of use!

Tonight we're also going to let the kids open the gifts Caletta got them. She sends quite a bit & since they're 3 & almost 2, they get bored of opening after 10 min. & want us to do it. So we break it all up so they enjoy everything. We'll open Mike & Lisa's, after they leave I plan on making sugar cookies with Amber (so we'll have cookies to leave out for Santa of course) and then we'll open Auntie Caletta's gifts. Saturday morning we're going to Bob's mom's at 10am. She's doing brunch. So they'll open up whatever their Grandma & papa got them and I think whatever their cousin and uncle got them too. After we leave Bob's mom's we'll prob. swing by our house, drop off gifts and let the dogs out & then head over to my mom's.

Bob's family tends to over do things and over buy and I feel like it's a competition and a bit chaotic. Thankfully my mom's is much more low key. She gets the kids each 2 gifts. 1 is a small box of clothes (one or two outfits) and then a nice toy. She sends a savings bond since it's the gift that will keep giving. We'll have lasagna and an amish chicken and just relax. It's a nice time. If we have time we'll go to church but since we're going to be driving all over I'm not going to rush.

Christmas eve I'll have the kids throw out the "reindeer food" into the front lawn and leave cookies & milk for Santa. We'll set up a few toys so when they wake up on Christmas morning they'll see them. I have a folding slide and some stuffed animals and a cop car for Jackson.

My family (mom, sister & her fiance) will come over around 10:00'ish and we'll hang out, open gifts and I'm making Christmas lunch. It's nice and laid back. I love it. I'm making a huge meal! I'm a little nervous because I'm making a turkey breast for the 1st time ever. We're having turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potato, sweet potato, gravy, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, sweet corn and I have a cheese & sausage platter to set out and I'm making deviled eggs. I have red velvet petit fours for dessert. I also am making my famous apricot swizzle punch. I can't wait.

frazzled day

We went to church w/ the kids this morning. I was shakey and feeling crappy so we dropped Amber off for Sunday School & ran over to McDonalds. Jack fell asleep in the car so we ate in the car & woke him 10 min. before we had to pick Amber up & head over to service. He was crabby. He crabbed through all of service. It was communion today and I'm so used to communion at my old church where we take the cracker & then a drink from a small thimble cup that I didn't even think about it. We get in line at this church, take the cracker & then most dunk the cracker in a community cup. Well, since I have only taken 1 communion here I forgot and ate the cracker & then got to the cup. GAH. So the man was like "take a sip".......great...........I felt like such a dork drinking from the community cup but for my entire life (up til this church, and like I said, this is my 2nd communion here) it was cracker from pastor, walk over to a tray of tiny thimble cups, drink and place empty on the next tray. So it was 2nd nature to eat the cracker 1st. I hope I'm not the only person who had to drink from the community cup, I felt (and still feel) like a dork. Dork Dork Dork. I need to put a note in my bible as a reminder that communion in this church is different then every church I've ever been to in the past. I was always raised "eat first, then drink" not take and dunk then chew soggy. Gah............stupid me. But we do like this church & it's amber's preschool so we're trying to attend more.

I came home and laid down w/ Amber to watch toot & puddle's christmas special & bob watched the bears game with Jackson. I feel asleep for 3 hours. I was so exhausted. I'm still not feeling right. My mom's coming over by 8:30am so I need to be dressed and ready 'cause tomorrow is Amber's pre-school Christmas recital.

worry

I probably shouldn't, but I can't help myself. I don't have as many symptoms as I use to have and now I'm worried that something is wrong with this pregnancy/baby. I wake up and I'm ok. I tend to get a little shakey feeling around 10:00am'ish and sometimes I feel like I hit a brick wall around 1pm-3pm. I did notice last night that I had a much more difficult time sleeping on my stomach and my boobs still feel like punching bags but I'm not nautious like I use to be. It has me worried. After my last loss that was so bad (I nearly died) I'm just worried. Very Very Worried! I go next Friday (6 more days) to the office for my scheduled ultra sound. I guess if I keep worrying I can call my dr. and see if he can tell them I need to get in sooner. I wish I weren't so paranoid. What's meant to be will be.

Last night we had Bob's work Christmas Party and I was able to eat for the most part. The ranch def. stood out to me on the salad and the soup seemed peppery to me (I'm always pepper sensitive) but dinner was good. The green beans were great, the steak was dry but ok. I didn't want to eat the chicken, it had a wierd smokey taste to it (Bob said it was great and there was no smokey taste) so I didn't eat that. I did love the ice cream after dinner. Bob was even surprised I was able to eat as easily as I did. So that has me worried too. Normally at night I don't eat so well.

I hate not knowing how far a long I am. I think I might be 8 weeks....I should be feeling much cruddier.

Not feeling up to it

Tonight is my husbands Christmas party and I'm not looking forward to it. I am bulky looking. I guess 'cause it's my 7th pregnancy and I have 2 kids (3 and under) that all that flabby belly skin (even though I was a size 8 a few weeks ago) just wanted to puff out and make me look more pregnant then I am. Nothing fits. I'm in maternity pants. Grantid I don't know how far along I am. I'm either about 8 weeks or 11 weeks. I go next Friday for an ultrasound and then we'll know for sure. So I had to buy a dress in a size 12 just to hide the buldge. I bought shoes w/ mega heels to give me height and hopefully make me look leaner. I also have a push up bra that adds 2 sized (urgh) to help take focus off my belly. It's hard for me being #1 the boss's wife and #2 the owners daugther in law because people actually do pay attention to me. I can't wall flower it and hide or I seem rude and like I don't want to socialize with the employees. And it's at my mother in laws other business (banquet hall) so I have to be nice to the wait staff too who will try to talk to me. I look like I haven't slept in days and I feel like crap. I know it's all good signs that things are going ok. I did just eat some left over stew (at 4:30 pm LOL) because dinner isn't til like 8pm. The banquet starts at 7pm and I'll be enjoying some shirley's tonight LOL. If any one asks I'll just say I have a long day with the kids tomorrow or lie and say they're dirty shirley's. Looks the same to the unsuspecting eye.

I'm in the 1 lucky spot. If I were at a party w/ my friends and didn't want them to know and pulled the "dirty shirley" card then one of my friends would be like "oooooh give me a sip" but at a work party, no one would ask the boss's wife for a sip.

I also am ready for lounge pants and bed by 9pm most nights and we're not even starting salad until 8pm........I tried laying down on amber's bunk while she napped on the couch and Jackson climbed on me and I realized I fell asleep. Only for about 3 min because little einsteins was still on the same song but Jackson had made it to the desk, into the check book and had the credit cards out LOL. Way to parent. LOL.

I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can because #1, you never know if it'll last, I did lose my last baby (prior to the chem. preg.) at 11w6d. And #2, this is my last pregnancy no matter what. I won't go through this again. We want 3 kids and I'm hoping this works out that we have our 3rd child, but if it doesn't,....I'm not going for 8 pregnancies, I'll just be happy with the 2 I have. It takes to much away from my kids w/ feeling crappy and then the recovery if I lose and all the doctors visits and lab work. So this is it. I'm really hoping everything keeps on working out ok.

sometimes worried, sometimes not

All morning I was worried that something was wrong. I've had a decrease in pregnancy symptoms, but now, I ate lunch about 45 min. ago and my stomach is upset feeling. I haven't been as sick in the mornings as I was before and the smell of food hasn't been making me as sick. I'm able to eat more but I still have an extensive "do not eat" list and the thought of some foods makes me instantly sick. I just want everything to be ok. I go back to the doctor tomorrow.

I also have Lorena here tomorrow and I have quite a bit to get done. I have to go to Michaels and get some meltable chocolate and pick up pretzil rods and some little decorative bags and ties for the chocolate covered pretzils for Bob's mom's bake sale that benefits St. Jude Childrens hospital.

Friday is the work christmas party and I literally have nothing to wear. I'm so bloated and I'm really trying to hide this as long as possible. I don't know if I should go buy something or not. Saturday Bob wanted to get together w/ some friends and have a game night at the house, somehow I'm supposed to stay awake and function for that. Saturday afternoon he's going to get his tattoo so I'll be alone with the kids all day. Wednesday night I have to drive out to Aurora in rush hour traffic (should take 90 min.) to see Miranda in the wedding dress she thinks she wants. Just so much going on. I'm so stressed.

And then I have the constant worry that something could be wrong w/ this pregnancy in the back of my mind. I don't want to jinx myself. I'm not spotting. I spotted w/ the last two. I keep checking as if I'm waiting for it to start. I think when it's your 7th pregnancy and you only have 2 living children to show for it that you become very paranoid and worried.

so alone

I am so tired of feeling so alone. I try to just suck it up and deal with it but sometimes it overwhelms me. This morning I finally lost it and freaked out. Amber had been whining and screaming and she tried to hit Bob, she spent 15 min. on the naughty mat, she tells us no, it was ridiculous. Bob gave her breakfast & she threw it all over the kitchen. Jackson is just screaming to be picked up constantly. Bob took Duke in for his vaccinations and Amber started telling me how hungry she was & she wanted nuts for lunch. I told her to wait, we'd figure out a better lunch once I did my hair. I still had a towel on my head! I just wanted to toss some gel in so it wouldn't frizz. None of my clothes look good on me. I have nothing to hide the fact that I'm in maternity pants and I have to go to my sisters wedding dress shopping outing today. My mom will surely comment about my pants. I don't want to tell people yet. We don't even know how far along I am. My mom asks a million questions and won't stop asking even after I tell her there is no answer. My dr. even can't figure out how far along I am, he said it's a miracle I'm even pregnant. I go back tuesday & he'll give me a script for an u/s and then we should have an idea. I know I'm at least 7 weeks but could be up to 10 or 11. Anyways, Amber started yelling at jackson and I lost it. I don't swear around my kids and I hardly ever raise my voice. I swore and yelled and sent her to nap and Jack was so upset he just followed. Then she was doing her fake cry screatch that she does and I told her I'd give her something to cry about if she didn't knock it off. I just can't take it anymore.

My mom has NEVER babysat Jackson and he's 20 mo. old. My mother in law did not babysit either child the entire end of October or most of November. On November 27th I was supposed to go to the ob/gyn, she offered to babysit for the first time in like 4 or 5 weeks. He got called for an emergency delivery so my appt. got rescheduled but she offered to still take them for 3 or 4 hours since she hadn't seen them in so long. That was the last time she baby sat them. We're going on 3 weeks again now. BUT she has my niece all the time, even went to the circus with her. She then makes comments that she misses Amber and Jackson. I just want to yell "Well B*tch......make time for them then." I tell her and my mom "If you want to see them just tell me, I'll make them available and even drive them out to you".............the phone doesn't ring. But they both make comments about missing them. Whenever we ask them to babysit it's a huge ordeal. My mom starts making excuses, she lives alone and complains that she does nothing but sit with her cats and never goes out or does anything but when we ask her to watch Amber because Amber tells us she misses her, she suddenly is busy. But then she'll slip up a week later & admit she sat home & did nothing. Bob's mom gets out her "book" and is surprise surprise, booked up for 2-3 weeks solid with Riley so she can't squeeze in Amber and Jackson. I'm so fed up.

I wish my step dad Rich were still alive. He wanted to be a grandpa. He never would of let my mom be the way she is. He was a good man. He was the only person I had to ever rely on and the only family I ever had. Even my mom's friends made a joke at cookie day a few weeks ago that I was on my own since I was 12. My mom was never around. I have less then 5 childhood memories of my mom. My grandma raised me. My dad before he turned 40 because drugs & booze were more important. All my memories of him are terrible. Yelling. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing. He was a terrible father and my mom was a horse shit mother. My grandma and my step father were the only people in my life worth anything and my step father was only around from about age 16-26. Not fair! I needed him still!!!! My grandma passed away almost 2 years ago.

My inlaws are terrible. I can't stand them. My brother in law is selfish and only cares about himself. My father in law drinks a lot and doesn't like me because of my mother in law. And my mother in law doesn't like me because of years of lies my ex sister in law told her. My ex sister in law even admitted to me and my husband's faces that she made up stuff for years to turn the family against me. So everyone hates me because of lies. And no one will accept that they don't even know me.

I hate.

That basically sums up how I feel.

I hate so much. I hate so many. I hate having hate in my heart and I feel like I'm constantly screwed over. Here I am, 31, pregnant for the 7th time and scared to death I'll lose this one too. I have 2 kids thank GOD! I have a husband that I think loves me. But that's really it. My 2 closest friends live so far away, one 90 min. in the car, the other 3 hours on a plane.

My sister is selfish and never around, I can't rely on her.

I hate where we live. It's terrible. The schools are terrible. The people are terrible. The traffic is terrible. But we're stuck. I am grateful we have a house, I just wish we could relocate it. I LOVE our house, even if it is small, it's home. It's our home.

I want to live in Decatur and I have to give that dream up. I feel like decatur is home. My cousins live there, I love them. Everyone is so nice. I feel like I'm part of something. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but just having family around that does want to hang out and be together is so nice. They do sunday lunches and when we visit we're just expected to be there. Everyone eats and has a good time. It's family and I need that so bad. I feel so empty here.

But bob works for his mom and their business is here so I have to give up everything. I have to give up family and love and feeling like I fit in. I have to live here with In-laws who hate me, my mother who is a total selfish a-hole and who only cares about my sister who only cares about herself.

If miranda's car breaks down or something happens my mom runs to help her. If mine has to go into the shop I have to take both kids and sit for hours. If miranda wants a shopping partner, my mom goes. I have to take both kids by myself and often strangers help me out when they're out of control. If miranda wants to get food, my mom takes her and treats, if I ask she turns me down 9 out of 10 times.

I hate.