Tonight is my husbands Christmas party and I'm not looking forward to it. I am bulky looking. I guess 'cause it's my 7th pregnancy and I have 2 kids (3 and under) that all that flabby belly skin (even though I was a size 8 a few weeks ago) just wanted to puff out and make me look more pregnant then I am. Nothing fits. I'm in maternity pants. Grantid I don't know how far along I am. I'm either about 8 weeks or 11 weeks. I go next Friday for an ultrasound and then we'll know for sure. So I had to buy a dress in a size 12 just to hide the buldge. I bought shoes w/ mega heels to give me height and hopefully make me look leaner. I also have a push up bra that adds 2 sized (urgh) to help take focus off my belly. It's hard for me being #1 the boss's wife and #2 the owners daugther in law because people actually do pay attention to me. I can't wall flower it and hide or I seem rude and like I don't want to socialize with the employees. And it's at my mother in laws other business (banquet hall) so I have to be nice to the wait staff too who will try to talk to me. I look like I haven't slept in days and I feel like crap. I know it's all good signs that things are going ok. I did just eat some left over stew (at 4:30 pm LOL) because dinner isn't til like 8pm. The banquet starts at 7pm and I'll be enjoying some shirley's tonight LOL. If any one asks I'll just say I have a long day with the kids tomorrow or lie and say they're dirty shirley's. Looks the same to the unsuspecting eye.
I'm in the 1 lucky spot. If I were at a party w/ my friends and didn't want them to know and pulled the "dirty shirley" card then one of my friends would be like "oooooh give me a sip" but at a work party, no one would ask the boss's wife for a sip.
I also am ready for lounge pants and bed by 9pm most nights and we're not even starting salad until 8pm........I tried laying down on amber's bunk while she napped on the couch and Jackson climbed on me and I realized I fell asleep. Only for about 3 min because little einsteins was still on the same song but Jackson had made it to the desk, into the check book and had the credit cards out LOL. Way to parent. LOL.
I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can because #1, you never know if it'll last, I did lose my last baby (prior to the chem. preg.) at 11w6d. And #2, this is my last pregnancy no matter what. I won't go through this again. We want 3 kids and I'm hoping this works out that we have our 3rd child, but if it doesn't,....I'm not going for 8 pregnancies, I'll just be happy with the 2 I have. It takes to much away from my kids w/ feeling crappy and then the recovery if I lose and all the doctors visits and lab work. So this is it. I'm really hoping everything keeps on working out ok.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
sometimes worried, sometimes not
All morning I was worried that something was wrong. I've had a decrease in pregnancy symptoms, but now, I ate lunch about 45 min. ago and my stomach is upset feeling. I haven't been as sick in the mornings as I was before and the smell of food hasn't been making me as sick. I'm able to eat more but I still have an extensive "do not eat" list and the thought of some foods makes me instantly sick. I just want everything to be ok. I go back to the doctor tomorrow.
I also have Lorena here tomorrow and I have quite a bit to get done. I have to go to Michaels and get some meltable chocolate and pick up pretzil rods and some little decorative bags and ties for the chocolate covered pretzils for Bob's mom's bake sale that benefits St. Jude Childrens hospital.
Friday is the work christmas party and I literally have nothing to wear. I'm so bloated and I'm really trying to hide this as long as possible. I don't know if I should go buy something or not. Saturday Bob wanted to get together w/ some friends and have a game night at the house, somehow I'm supposed to stay awake and function for that. Saturday afternoon he's going to get his tattoo so I'll be alone with the kids all day. Wednesday night I have to drive out to Aurora in rush hour traffic (should take 90 min.) to see Miranda in the wedding dress she thinks she wants. Just so much going on. I'm so stressed.
And then I have the constant worry that something could be wrong w/ this pregnancy in the back of my mind. I don't want to jinx myself. I'm not spotting. I spotted w/ the last two. I keep checking as if I'm waiting for it to start. I think when it's your 7th pregnancy and you only have 2 living children to show for it that you become very paranoid and worried.
I also have Lorena here tomorrow and I have quite a bit to get done. I have to go to Michaels and get some meltable chocolate and pick up pretzil rods and some little decorative bags and ties for the chocolate covered pretzils for Bob's mom's bake sale that benefits St. Jude Childrens hospital.
Friday is the work christmas party and I literally have nothing to wear. I'm so bloated and I'm really trying to hide this as long as possible. I don't know if I should go buy something or not. Saturday Bob wanted to get together w/ some friends and have a game night at the house, somehow I'm supposed to stay awake and function for that. Saturday afternoon he's going to get his tattoo so I'll be alone with the kids all day. Wednesday night I have to drive out to Aurora in rush hour traffic (should take 90 min.) to see Miranda in the wedding dress she thinks she wants. Just so much going on. I'm so stressed.
And then I have the constant worry that something could be wrong w/ this pregnancy in the back of my mind. I don't want to jinx myself. I'm not spotting. I spotted w/ the last two. I keep checking as if I'm waiting for it to start. I think when it's your 7th pregnancy and you only have 2 living children to show for it that you become very paranoid and worried.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
so alone
I am so tired of feeling so alone. I try to just suck it up and deal with it but sometimes it overwhelms me. This morning I finally lost it and freaked out. Amber had been whining and screaming and she tried to hit Bob, she spent 15 min. on the naughty mat, she tells us no, it was ridiculous. Bob gave her breakfast & she threw it all over the kitchen. Jackson is just screaming to be picked up constantly. Bob took Duke in for his vaccinations and Amber started telling me how hungry she was & she wanted nuts for lunch. I told her to wait, we'd figure out a better lunch once I did my hair. I still had a towel on my head! I just wanted to toss some gel in so it wouldn't frizz. None of my clothes look good on me. I have nothing to hide the fact that I'm in maternity pants and I have to go to my sisters wedding dress shopping outing today. My mom will surely comment about my pants. I don't want to tell people yet. We don't even know how far along I am. My mom asks a million questions and won't stop asking even after I tell her there is no answer. My dr. even can't figure out how far along I am, he said it's a miracle I'm even pregnant. I go back tuesday & he'll give me a script for an u/s and then we should have an idea. I know I'm at least 7 weeks but could be up to 10 or 11. Anyways, Amber started yelling at jackson and I lost it. I don't swear around my kids and I hardly ever raise my voice. I swore and yelled and sent her to nap and Jack was so upset he just followed. Then she was doing her fake cry screatch that she does and I told her I'd give her something to cry about if she didn't knock it off. I just can't take it anymore.
My mom has NEVER babysat Jackson and he's 20 mo. old. My mother in law did not babysit either child the entire end of October or most of November. On November 27th I was supposed to go to the ob/gyn, she offered to babysit for the first time in like 4 or 5 weeks. He got called for an emergency delivery so my appt. got rescheduled but she offered to still take them for 3 or 4 hours since she hadn't seen them in so long. That was the last time she baby sat them. We're going on 3 weeks again now. BUT she has my niece all the time, even went to the circus with her. She then makes comments that she misses Amber and Jackson. I just want to yell "Well B*tch......make time for them then." I tell her and my mom "If you want to see them just tell me, I'll make them available and even drive them out to you".............the phone doesn't ring. But they both make comments about missing them. Whenever we ask them to babysit it's a huge ordeal. My mom starts making excuses, she lives alone and complains that she does nothing but sit with her cats and never goes out or does anything but when we ask her to watch Amber because Amber tells us she misses her, she suddenly is busy. But then she'll slip up a week later & admit she sat home & did nothing. Bob's mom gets out her "book" and is surprise surprise, booked up for 2-3 weeks solid with Riley so she can't squeeze in Amber and Jackson. I'm so fed up.
I wish my step dad Rich were still alive. He wanted to be a grandpa. He never would of let my mom be the way she is. He was a good man. He was the only person I had to ever rely on and the only family I ever had. Even my mom's friends made a joke at cookie day a few weeks ago that I was on my own since I was 12. My mom was never around. I have less then 5 childhood memories of my mom. My grandma raised me. My dad before he turned 40 because drugs & booze were more important. All my memories of him are terrible. Yelling. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing. He was a terrible father and my mom was a horse shit mother. My grandma and my step father were the only people in my life worth anything and my step father was only around from about age 16-26. Not fair! I needed him still!!!! My grandma passed away almost 2 years ago.
My inlaws are terrible. I can't stand them. My brother in law is selfish and only cares about himself. My father in law drinks a lot and doesn't like me because of my mother in law. And my mother in law doesn't like me because of years of lies my ex sister in law told her. My ex sister in law even admitted to me and my husband's faces that she made up stuff for years to turn the family against me. So everyone hates me because of lies. And no one will accept that they don't even know me.
I hate.
That basically sums up how I feel.
I hate so much. I hate so many. I hate having hate in my heart and I feel like I'm constantly screwed over. Here I am, 31, pregnant for the 7th time and scared to death I'll lose this one too. I have 2 kids thank GOD! I have a husband that I think loves me. But that's really it. My 2 closest friends live so far away, one 90 min. in the car, the other 3 hours on a plane.
My sister is selfish and never around, I can't rely on her.
I hate where we live. It's terrible. The schools are terrible. The people are terrible. The traffic is terrible. But we're stuck. I am grateful we have a house, I just wish we could relocate it. I LOVE our house, even if it is small, it's home. It's our home.
I want to live in Decatur and I have to give that dream up. I feel like decatur is home. My cousins live there, I love them. Everyone is so nice. I feel like I'm part of something. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but just having family around that does want to hang out and be together is so nice. They do sunday lunches and when we visit we're just expected to be there. Everyone eats and has a good time. It's family and I need that so bad. I feel so empty here.
But bob works for his mom and their business is here so I have to give up everything. I have to give up family and love and feeling like I fit in. I have to live here with In-laws who hate me, my mother who is a total selfish a-hole and who only cares about my sister who only cares about herself.
If miranda's car breaks down or something happens my mom runs to help her. If mine has to go into the shop I have to take both kids and sit for hours. If miranda wants a shopping partner, my mom goes. I have to take both kids by myself and often strangers help me out when they're out of control. If miranda wants to get food, my mom takes her and treats, if I ask she turns me down 9 out of 10 times.
I hate.
My mom has NEVER babysat Jackson and he's 20 mo. old. My mother in law did not babysit either child the entire end of October or most of November. On November 27th I was supposed to go to the ob/gyn, she offered to babysit for the first time in like 4 or 5 weeks. He got called for an emergency delivery so my appt. got rescheduled but she offered to still take them for 3 or 4 hours since she hadn't seen them in so long. That was the last time she baby sat them. We're going on 3 weeks again now. BUT she has my niece all the time, even went to the circus with her. She then makes comments that she misses Amber and Jackson. I just want to yell "Well B*tch......make time for them then." I tell her and my mom "If you want to see them just tell me, I'll make them available and even drive them out to you".............the phone doesn't ring. But they both make comments about missing them. Whenever we ask them to babysit it's a huge ordeal. My mom starts making excuses, she lives alone and complains that she does nothing but sit with her cats and never goes out or does anything but when we ask her to watch Amber because Amber tells us she misses her, she suddenly is busy. But then she'll slip up a week later & admit she sat home & did nothing. Bob's mom gets out her "book" and is surprise surprise, booked up for 2-3 weeks solid with Riley so she can't squeeze in Amber and Jackson. I'm so fed up.
I wish my step dad Rich were still alive. He wanted to be a grandpa. He never would of let my mom be the way she is. He was a good man. He was the only person I had to ever rely on and the only family I ever had. Even my mom's friends made a joke at cookie day a few weeks ago that I was on my own since I was 12. My mom was never around. I have less then 5 childhood memories of my mom. My grandma raised me. My dad before he turned 40 because drugs & booze were more important. All my memories of him are terrible. Yelling. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing. He was a terrible father and my mom was a horse shit mother. My grandma and my step father were the only people in my life worth anything and my step father was only around from about age 16-26. Not fair! I needed him still!!!! My grandma passed away almost 2 years ago.
My inlaws are terrible. I can't stand them. My brother in law is selfish and only cares about himself. My father in law drinks a lot and doesn't like me because of my mother in law. And my mother in law doesn't like me because of years of lies my ex sister in law told her. My ex sister in law even admitted to me and my husband's faces that she made up stuff for years to turn the family against me. So everyone hates me because of lies. And no one will accept that they don't even know me.
I hate.
That basically sums up how I feel.
I hate so much. I hate so many. I hate having hate in my heart and I feel like I'm constantly screwed over. Here I am, 31, pregnant for the 7th time and scared to death I'll lose this one too. I have 2 kids thank GOD! I have a husband that I think loves me. But that's really it. My 2 closest friends live so far away, one 90 min. in the car, the other 3 hours on a plane.
My sister is selfish and never around, I can't rely on her.
I hate where we live. It's terrible. The schools are terrible. The people are terrible. The traffic is terrible. But we're stuck. I am grateful we have a house, I just wish we could relocate it. I LOVE our house, even if it is small, it's home. It's our home.
I want to live in Decatur and I have to give that dream up. I feel like decatur is home. My cousins live there, I love them. Everyone is so nice. I feel like I'm part of something. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but just having family around that does want to hang out and be together is so nice. They do sunday lunches and when we visit we're just expected to be there. Everyone eats and has a good time. It's family and I need that so bad. I feel so empty here.
But bob works for his mom and their business is here so I have to give up everything. I have to give up family and love and feeling like I fit in. I have to live here with In-laws who hate me, my mother who is a total selfish a-hole and who only cares about my sister who only cares about herself.
If miranda's car breaks down or something happens my mom runs to help her. If mine has to go into the shop I have to take both kids and sit for hours. If miranda wants a shopping partner, my mom goes. I have to take both kids by myself and often strangers help me out when they're out of control. If miranda wants to get food, my mom takes her and treats, if I ask she turns me down 9 out of 10 times.
I hate.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Holy Crap!
Dr. McInerney just called me at home at my HCG level is just over 2,000 and my progesterone level is at 20!!!!!!!!!!!!! he said those numbers are great and I don't need to use the suppositories.
Dr.'s office today
So I had a 1:15pm dr.'s appointment.
I waited til 1:33 to see the nurse (I had gotten there at 1:00pm so I already felt like I was waiting forever since I was so nervous about finding out if I was pregnant or not)
I told the nurse I had taken tests & they came back positive & asked if that was even possible because I was told I didn't ovulate. She said "let's do a test and see". She did one on me & it came back positive. So then she said she wasn't sure if the doctor would want to meet with me or just send me right over for lab work. It took another 20 min. before she could get ahold of him (it was very busy in his office today) and he wanted to see me. He did an exam & said my uterous felt swollen and said he's seen lots of miracles around the holidays. He didn't have an explanation other then maybe I ovulated early which makes no sense to me because I took my OPK like 3 days after I stopped bleeding from my period and my progesterone 8 days later was abnormally low. So he prescribed me a progesterone pill and the pharmacy just called me to tell me it's been filled.
I went for blood work after the dr.'s office & the tech butchered my arm. It was bad. I still hurt & I am not a wimp about blood tests. I go back Thursday around 3pm for my 48 hour repeat.
When I told Bob he wasn't happy. He actually was rather numb & didn't have much to say to me. He doesn't want 3. He wanted to wait to have a 3rd if we were even going to have a 3rd. If this doesn't work out and I have another loss I'm going to tell him to just get his vasectomy because he doesn't want this and I don't want to make him feel like he has to.
I waited til 1:33 to see the nurse (I had gotten there at 1:00pm so I already felt like I was waiting forever since I was so nervous about finding out if I was pregnant or not)
I told the nurse I had taken tests & they came back positive & asked if that was even possible because I was told I didn't ovulate. She said "let's do a test and see". She did one on me & it came back positive. So then she said she wasn't sure if the doctor would want to meet with me or just send me right over for lab work. It took another 20 min. before she could get ahold of him (it was very busy in his office today) and he wanted to see me. He did an exam & said my uterous felt swollen and said he's seen lots of miracles around the holidays. He didn't have an explanation other then maybe I ovulated early which makes no sense to me because I took my OPK like 3 days after I stopped bleeding from my period and my progesterone 8 days later was abnormally low. So he prescribed me a progesterone pill and the pharmacy just called me to tell me it's been filled.
I went for blood work after the dr.'s office & the tech butchered my arm. It was bad. I still hurt & I am not a wimp about blood tests. I go back Thursday around 3pm for my 48 hour repeat.
When I told Bob he wasn't happy. He actually was rather numb & didn't have much to say to me. He doesn't want 3. He wanted to wait to have a 3rd if we were even going to have a 3rd. If this doesn't work out and I have another loss I'm going to tell him to just get his vasectomy because he doesn't want this and I don't want to make him feel like he has to.
Monday, November 28, 2011
confused
So the dr's office called me about 2 weeks ago & told me I didn't ovulate.
Someone please tell me how yesterday & today I got a postive on a HPT.
Dr.'s appointment tomorrow in the afternoon. Hopefully I get some answers.
This is all also fabulous timing for Bob to tell me he wants to hold off on having more kids.
I haven't told him I pregnant yet. I figured I'd wait until after I talked to the dr. tomorrow.
If it's just another chemical pregnancy there's no point in him even knowing right now.
Someone please tell me how yesterday & today I got a postive on a HPT.
Dr.'s appointment tomorrow in the afternoon. Hopefully I get some answers.
This is all also fabulous timing for Bob to tell me he wants to hold off on having more kids.
I haven't told him I pregnant yet. I figured I'd wait until after I talked to the dr. tomorrow.
If it's just another chemical pregnancy there's no point in him even knowing right now.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Life lately
Life lately hasn't been the greatest.
I found out I was pregnant in September (right around my bday) and it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. My dr. told me to have a cycle in October and then start using OPK's and to call his office when I got a + OPK because they would send me for blood work. I got a positive and went 8 days later for blood work. The office called me 5 days after that and told me my progesterone level was 7.14 and normal after ovulation is 10 so that means I didn't ovulate. So now I will meet with my doctor tomorrow at 12:30 to find out what to do next. I have been so stressed out about this. I feel broken.
I had blood work done in September w/ my loyola dr. to find out about my +ANA and it turned out I had antibodies for sjogrens syndrome. I went to see her last week for a follow up and discovered I am at half strength in my dominant hand so now I'm in a splint for the next month.
I have been so stressed out I feel like I'm going to lose it. All Jackson does is scream all day. He climbs the safety gates and gets to everything. Today I was helping Amber in the bathroom, she got her underwear somehow tangled up in her leggings. In the time it took me to help her, he climbed the baby gate, pushed the kitchen table chair to the counter and climbed up & was going for the knifes! I ran, fell, thought I sprained my wrist and got to him in time. It was such a blur. That kid is like spider man. I never imagined a child could climb so quickly! I didn't even hear him moving the chair across the floor cause of the skid proof coasters on the bottom of the chairs. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. He screamed on and off for 7 hours today 'cause I wouldn't let him cry. It was 42 and raining out so I couldn't take him outside.
Today was/is my husbands birthday and it's ruined. He came home, Jack climbed the table while I was trying to feed the dogs. He fell off the table. I got so mad I threw the plastic tupperware bowl. My husband was right there!!!! He should have stopped Jack, I was busy. I went to the bedroom & slamme the door. We have CHEAP doors and my shoe rack hangs on the back of it. My shoe went through the door. Now we have to buy another door and money is so tight. I feel like such an asshat for slamming the door but my body aches from all the lifting (jack off of things) today. I'm exhausted and I feel like I have no one.
Amber is so easy and I feel like she's neglected some days 'cause she's the easy one. I'm constantly busy with Jack and she'll just go watch TV and be a complete angel. She's so happy just having a cup of milk and watching TV and jack is into EVERYTHING. He even tp'd the bathroom while I was getting her a cup of water. He's so fast! He gets past every baby proofing object we buy. He has even figured out how to unbuckle the safety latches on shopping cart seats! Nothing I do seems to keep him "safe".
My husband packed the kids up and left. Just left. He took them to go out w/ MY mom and MY sister and her fiance for his b-day dinner and just left me home. I watched a show I recorded and had a beer. I feel better but I feel like a total jerk. I have so much stress and I'm having such a hard time coping.
My family is never there when I need them. They work & live far and when I'm stressed w/ no help...it's just me. I don't feel like I have family I can rely on.
My mother in law watches my niece like 3 x's a week but has no problem going weeks with out seeing my kids and she basically admitted to me that my niece is her favorite. It sucks and I really hate my mother in law for the way she is. I have such a hard time trying to like her. I feel fake and I'm not a fake person. I hate being around her. I hate having to be nice to her. I hate having to do anything with her because she is very unfair w/ my the kids. She favors my niece, she'll spoil her & buy her toys and clothes and take her to the rainforest cafe, choo choo diner and to plays and the circus but doesn't do anything with my kids. My niece's parents (are seperated) make $100,000 EACH! We make $70,000 total. Our kids don't get to do those extra's because money is tight. We are VERY fortunate to budget in a pass to the zoo and the arboretum and a trip to a indoor play area once a month. So it's not like my kids do with out but we're not as fortunate as my brother in law and ex sister in law and mother in law spoils the heck out of their child but does nothing for mine. We'll be out & she'll buy toys for my niece and NOTHING for my kids who are standing there and sometimes I Just can't budget something so they watch gifts being bought and get nothing from their own grandmother. I just wish she wouldn't do it in front of them. It bugs me that she does it at all but it really bugs me when they have to witness. I know it teaches them a lesson that they don't always get things and that they need to be happy with what they have but it's still obnoxious. Why shove her favortism in their faces? They'll grow up resenting her, which I find some peace in because I resent her so much.
She babysits for my ex sister in law so she can go to the spa or get her hair done or go out for martini's with her friends but never for me. I pay $10/ hour for someone to watch my kids if I need to get my hair done. Last year I quit getting it professionally done. I just dyed it from a box to get rid of grays so I didn't have to pay so frequently & would go 4 months w/ out a hair cut & get crappy cuts from great clips because they're faster. I can't spend $80 at a salon and $30 in babysitting. My husbands work schedule isn't reliable because guess what? he works for his mom. So if she needs to help out brother in law or ex sister in law then my husband has to work longer days or more days so I can't make appointments for fun. Making dr.'s appointments is about 4 weeks of scheduling. I'm tired of my life revolving around theirs and them being so spoiled w/ the free babysitting.
I don't expect someone to just do all this for me but it's hard living here and seeing it happen like 3 times a week. I can't wait for us to move, at least then my in laws won't be 3 min. down the road and ignoring us and treating my kids like they don't exist right under my nose.
What fumes me the most is how my Brother In law is a liar and my sister in law admitted to lying to the family and trying to ruin my marriage for 4 YEARS. Now that's dedication. And my mother in law jumps through hoops for them. My husband and I work hard and have no one to ever rely on and have been victims of his family for years. I wish we could cut ties but he works for them. In this economy he can't just up and quit. He has job security.
I commented on my friend's page last week that my mother in law said she wouldn't get my daughter a doll for Christmas because my niece takes her dolls in the tub & ruins them. UHM, what does my niece have to do with my daughter? It's not fair. She even bases the gifts she gets Amber off of Riley. Well, my brother in law went psycho & told my husband I'm talking sh*t and that he's done biting his tongue and it was crazy. He even copied and pasted the comment to my husband. My husband told him "dude, she didn't say anything bad" and so to get revenge, my brother in law told my mother in law I was saying bad things on Facebook. She asked me what Amber wanted (the other day) for Christmas and I said "well, my mom got her a doll and I got her..." and she cut me off and said "OH no, no dolls. I'm not getting either girl a doll"..................WTF? Uhm, my daughter LOVES dolls. That's all she really wants. So my mother in law said she saw some animal thing on the TV that she thinks my daughter would like. I 100% guarantee she won't like it, she's in a doll phase. She's 3. It's just her thing now, she's ignoring all her toys except for her dolls lately. I hope whatever my mother in law gets her comes w/ a gift receipt. Then she asked me to email her some non doll ideas.
Why won't she just get her what she likes? What is wrong with this woman?
So I did send her over a few things. Amber has a mobigo and could use a few new games. It was nearly impossible coming up with any other ideas. My daughter wanted the lalaloopsy doll. I bought that for her and my sister got her one in pink (I bought her yellow silly hair). My mom got her an Our Generation doll from Target that she wanted. She also wanted a Dora princess doll, she LOVES Dora and I couldn't put that on the list. I'm so frustrated.
I'm thinking of finding someone to talk to because I don't know how to deal with his family anymore. I know this is all trivial stuff, but 5 years of it is really taking a toll on me. I've never met a group of people who purposely try to continually hurt someone & who purposely want to hurt a childs feelings. It's so aggrivating. I am ready to snap.
I found out I was pregnant in September (right around my bday) and it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. My dr. told me to have a cycle in October and then start using OPK's and to call his office when I got a + OPK because they would send me for blood work. I got a positive and went 8 days later for blood work. The office called me 5 days after that and told me my progesterone level was 7.14 and normal after ovulation is 10 so that means I didn't ovulate. So now I will meet with my doctor tomorrow at 12:30 to find out what to do next. I have been so stressed out about this. I feel broken.
I had blood work done in September w/ my loyola dr. to find out about my +ANA and it turned out I had antibodies for sjogrens syndrome. I went to see her last week for a follow up and discovered I am at half strength in my dominant hand so now I'm in a splint for the next month.
I have been so stressed out I feel like I'm going to lose it. All Jackson does is scream all day. He climbs the safety gates and gets to everything. Today I was helping Amber in the bathroom, she got her underwear somehow tangled up in her leggings. In the time it took me to help her, he climbed the baby gate, pushed the kitchen table chair to the counter and climbed up & was going for the knifes! I ran, fell, thought I sprained my wrist and got to him in time. It was such a blur. That kid is like spider man. I never imagined a child could climb so quickly! I didn't even hear him moving the chair across the floor cause of the skid proof coasters on the bottom of the chairs. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. He screamed on and off for 7 hours today 'cause I wouldn't let him cry. It was 42 and raining out so I couldn't take him outside.
Today was/is my husbands birthday and it's ruined. He came home, Jack climbed the table while I was trying to feed the dogs. He fell off the table. I got so mad I threw the plastic tupperware bowl. My husband was right there!!!! He should have stopped Jack, I was busy. I went to the bedroom & slamme the door. We have CHEAP doors and my shoe rack hangs on the back of it. My shoe went through the door. Now we have to buy another door and money is so tight. I feel like such an asshat for slamming the door but my body aches from all the lifting (jack off of things) today. I'm exhausted and I feel like I have no one.
Amber is so easy and I feel like she's neglected some days 'cause she's the easy one. I'm constantly busy with Jack and she'll just go watch TV and be a complete angel. She's so happy just having a cup of milk and watching TV and jack is into EVERYTHING. He even tp'd the bathroom while I was getting her a cup of water. He's so fast! He gets past every baby proofing object we buy. He has even figured out how to unbuckle the safety latches on shopping cart seats! Nothing I do seems to keep him "safe".
My husband packed the kids up and left. Just left. He took them to go out w/ MY mom and MY sister and her fiance for his b-day dinner and just left me home. I watched a show I recorded and had a beer. I feel better but I feel like a total jerk. I have so much stress and I'm having such a hard time coping.
My family is never there when I need them. They work & live far and when I'm stressed w/ no help...it's just me. I don't feel like I have family I can rely on.
My mother in law watches my niece like 3 x's a week but has no problem going weeks with out seeing my kids and she basically admitted to me that my niece is her favorite. It sucks and I really hate my mother in law for the way she is. I have such a hard time trying to like her. I feel fake and I'm not a fake person. I hate being around her. I hate having to be nice to her. I hate having to do anything with her because she is very unfair w/ my the kids. She favors my niece, she'll spoil her & buy her toys and clothes and take her to the rainforest cafe, choo choo diner and to plays and the circus but doesn't do anything with my kids. My niece's parents (are seperated) make $100,000 EACH! We make $70,000 total. Our kids don't get to do those extra's because money is tight. We are VERY fortunate to budget in a pass to the zoo and the arboretum and a trip to a indoor play area once a month. So it's not like my kids do with out but we're not as fortunate as my brother in law and ex sister in law and mother in law spoils the heck out of their child but does nothing for mine. We'll be out & she'll buy toys for my niece and NOTHING for my kids who are standing there and sometimes I Just can't budget something so they watch gifts being bought and get nothing from their own grandmother. I just wish she wouldn't do it in front of them. It bugs me that she does it at all but it really bugs me when they have to witness. I know it teaches them a lesson that they don't always get things and that they need to be happy with what they have but it's still obnoxious. Why shove her favortism in their faces? They'll grow up resenting her, which I find some peace in because I resent her so much.
She babysits for my ex sister in law so she can go to the spa or get her hair done or go out for martini's with her friends but never for me. I pay $10/ hour for someone to watch my kids if I need to get my hair done. Last year I quit getting it professionally done. I just dyed it from a box to get rid of grays so I didn't have to pay so frequently & would go 4 months w/ out a hair cut & get crappy cuts from great clips because they're faster. I can't spend $80 at a salon and $30 in babysitting. My husbands work schedule isn't reliable because guess what? he works for his mom. So if she needs to help out brother in law or ex sister in law then my husband has to work longer days or more days so I can't make appointments for fun. Making dr.'s appointments is about 4 weeks of scheduling. I'm tired of my life revolving around theirs and them being so spoiled w/ the free babysitting.
I don't expect someone to just do all this for me but it's hard living here and seeing it happen like 3 times a week. I can't wait for us to move, at least then my in laws won't be 3 min. down the road and ignoring us and treating my kids like they don't exist right under my nose.
What fumes me the most is how my Brother In law is a liar and my sister in law admitted to lying to the family and trying to ruin my marriage for 4 YEARS. Now that's dedication. And my mother in law jumps through hoops for them. My husband and I work hard and have no one to ever rely on and have been victims of his family for years. I wish we could cut ties but he works for them. In this economy he can't just up and quit. He has job security.
I commented on my friend's page last week that my mother in law said she wouldn't get my daughter a doll for Christmas because my niece takes her dolls in the tub & ruins them. UHM, what does my niece have to do with my daughter? It's not fair. She even bases the gifts she gets Amber off of Riley. Well, my brother in law went psycho & told my husband I'm talking sh*t and that he's done biting his tongue and it was crazy. He even copied and pasted the comment to my husband. My husband told him "dude, she didn't say anything bad" and so to get revenge, my brother in law told my mother in law I was saying bad things on Facebook. She asked me what Amber wanted (the other day) for Christmas and I said "well, my mom got her a doll and I got her..." and she cut me off and said "OH no, no dolls. I'm not getting either girl a doll"..................WTF? Uhm, my daughter LOVES dolls. That's all she really wants. So my mother in law said she saw some animal thing on the TV that she thinks my daughter would like. I 100% guarantee she won't like it, she's in a doll phase. She's 3. It's just her thing now, she's ignoring all her toys except for her dolls lately. I hope whatever my mother in law gets her comes w/ a gift receipt. Then she asked me to email her some non doll ideas.
Why won't she just get her what she likes? What is wrong with this woman?
So I did send her over a few things. Amber has a mobigo and could use a few new games. It was nearly impossible coming up with any other ideas. My daughter wanted the lalaloopsy doll. I bought that for her and my sister got her one in pink (I bought her yellow silly hair). My mom got her an Our Generation doll from Target that she wanted. She also wanted a Dora princess doll, she LOVES Dora and I couldn't put that on the list. I'm so frustrated.
I'm thinking of finding someone to talk to because I don't know how to deal with his family anymore. I know this is all trivial stuff, but 5 years of it is really taking a toll on me. I've never met a group of people who purposely try to continually hurt someone & who purposely want to hurt a childs feelings. It's so aggrivating. I am ready to snap.
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