Little or Big decisions

Today I decided to pull Jackson from our church's preschool program. It was a hard decision to make but I just couldn't work out the logistics of getting Amber to kindergarten from 9-11:30 2 blocks from my house & then getting Jackson to preschool from 9-11:30 20 minutes from my house. I tried to get the preschool to work with me, my husband could drop jack off; I was hoping to pay for extended care to hold Jack til I could pick him up, but they could not accommodate that. I visited a local church run preschool and was less then impressed. The room was dark and the toys were old. The staff had very bland personalities. I left there wondering what I was going to do and had to drive right past the park district. I wanted to register Amber for fall ballet classes so I was hoping the fall brochure would be out. It was not BUT the preschool teacher was in and setting up her room so I talked to her and we are registering Jackson with the park district preschool. It will cost $55 less then our church (however it is 2 day not 3 day) and she showed me the curriculum and it was very impressive. Very similar to the curriculum at our church's program. I brought the forms home with me and filled them out. Bob is there with Jackson right now registering him.

Our haggy neighbor finally let us put up our other side to our fence in the back yard. It's kind of nice to have a little yard privacy now. I wonder if this will help settle her down and she'll stop being so evil. That woman was just absolutely atrocious.

Back to it

Wow, it's been over a year since I've blogged.

What's new?
Alayna Grace is new since my last blog. She was born 7/23/12


We bought a new house.


Our old house we decided to keep and rent out. Our renter is great.

Our new house is nice. Needs some improvements but nothing to extreme.

Our neighbor is a terrible hag.






We've had a fun summer with the kids.
Alayna turned one, Amber turned 5. We've gone to lots of fun parks, zoo's and farms.
We even took the kids to the water park.

I can rant if I want to

I can rant if I want to & it doesn't have to make sense. I love that we are completing our family & having our 3rd child but I hate being pregnant. Even though I have suffered many losses, I don't like charlies horses in the middle of the night, throwing up in my mouth randomly 24 hours a day sucks and having problems breathing & needing to pee frequently kind of sucks. Monday I'll be starting week 30! I can't wait! I can't wait to meet this little peanut. We picked Alayna Grace for her name!

Now about family. My mom is obnoxious. That's about it. She calls when I tell her I can't talk. During the day when I'm with the kids and during meal or bath time or at 8:37am when she knows Amber starts pre-school at 9am. Obnoxious. I email her about mother's day and she never replies. Then she never offers to babysit or help me with the kids but last weekend my sister was babysitting for us so she offered to come over & help her. Uhm, my sisters a teacher, if she can handle a class room she can handle a 2 & 3 year old. My mom basically sucks and it's getting on my last nerve. She's never around, never has anything to do with the kids and can't even respect the 1 thing I ask of her; to call after 8pm when the kids are in bed. I don't have time to talk. She gets annoyed that I am to busy being a mom and can't hear her on the phone and deal w/ her insane ramblings. She called me just now while I was trying to deal w/ my 3 year old (trying to wake up the 2 year old). She's on a day trip in Michigan, there's no need to call. This was the 3rd call from her this morning. She called to ask me if $6 was to much for something at the Carter's outlet. WTF? Seriously? I had the heating/air co. here this morning, ran lunch up to my husband & father in law and am taking care of a 2 & 3 year old and she (who has plenty of $) is asking is $6 is to much for something at Carter's. That warranted 3 phone calls!

On to something that makes me happy, my escape!  Books. I just finished the Carrie Jones "need" series. It was good. I knew Zara would end up w/ Astley. Lots to keep track of w/ all of the "gods" in the book and the pixie killing spree got a bit out of controll at the end but it was a good read. Last week though; the wings series concluded w/ Destined. That book was AMAZING! I read it twice in 2 days! LOVED IT! I was team tamani from the start and I think it was written very well.

Now I need a new obsession to latch on to. I'm thinking of another fae series but I'm not sure. Money is a bit tight right now and I have some books here I could read. I'm really into these fae books though. I might start the wicked lovely series by Melissa Mar when we get a little extra cash in our accounts (so I can dowload to my ereader).

Well, the 2 year old is napping & the 3 year old is quietly watching cartoons. I think I might sneak in & take a nap since I'm pretty exhausted. I think we will be going to the park later today and I don't want to be to exhausted.I have to cook dinner tonight and I absolutely hate cooking dinner. I have a list of things our next house MUST have and one is a see through kitchen so while I'm cooking dinner my kids cannot bite each other or escape out of the house. Dinner is not my friend. Meal time in general is not my friend but dinner is the worst. Breakfast is fast. It only takes 30 seconds to pour a bowl of cereal, they can't get into much trouble in 30 seconds. Lunch is usually lunch meat, a veggie and some cheese or some soup & crackers & fruit. That's pretty fast too. Dinner though......I hate dinner. Dinner is c omplex bastard that requires a meat, veggie and side dish and includes a pile of dirty dishes. This provides ample time for anarchy to break out in the toddler/preschooler realm aka the living room.

27 weeks!

Wow it's been a while since I've posted! So I'm nearly in my 3rd trimester now! Time is flying. Life has been crazy.

As of lately my children have been crazy little munchkins. Jackson has learned how to take his pants & diaper off & apparently feels it's a good idea to pee all over his bed. We only have 3 onesies in the house because he's a t-shirt and jeans boy so now I need to make a mad dash to the store in the next day or so for more onesies.

I can't believe my little man is already 2 years old! These 2 years have gone by so fast!

Amber is doing well in pre-school. She has about 1 month left. Once she's out I plan on potty traning Jack. I'm really hoping that I can get him potty trained before #3 gets here.

This year with Amber has flown by. She has learned so much. She's learned how to write her name, all the letters of the alphabet (how to write them in upper & lower case) and the months of the year, days of the week, and her phone number! She's one smart cookie. She also is very well aware of the fact that she's 1 smart cookie!

The dogs are the same. Rocky still wants to eat the little dogs that live behind us. Carl is basically the most amazing rottie on the face of the earth and Duke.......oh Duke. A few weeks ago somehow he managed to rip out a bag toe nail! We took him to the vet to be sure there was no infection. He was fine. He wouldn't stop licking it so we had to put a cone on him (per the vet) and then he still managed to lick it. Apparently we have the most flexible dog alive. So we decided to tape a tube sock to his foot to prevent him from licking it. Then we realized in the morning, when the grass was wet, the sock would get all wet & dirty. So we started then taping a plastic bag over the tube sock on the cone wearing dog so he could use the yard a few times a day. OMG. Can I just say he is one SPECIAL little creature.

As far as family goes. Family is still family. My mom is still the absentee grandma. She comes around when it's convenient for her. Amber was in a trike-a-thon last week and my generous mother donated $10 and made a stink about getting a receipt for tax write off purposes. Uhm....it was $10. Seriously? Then she stopped by for all of 5 minutes and darted out of the house to run (in her words) "1,000 errands".........At least Bob's mom has been making an effort to be around the kids and in 2 weeks my sister is babysitting! That'll be nice. She hasn't babysat since Amber was under a year old. She's never babysat both kids. Should be interesting.

My Brother-in-law was laid up from his city job. Funny thing about being laid up. He informed my hubby that he could only pick his child up from school (or take her), go out for food or go to church. He's been going to family parties, to the movies, on nature walks and even out to gamble. So my poor hubby has been working all those shifts. My kids started asking him "daddy? do you live here?" because he hasn't been around. FINALLY, now that tennis season is nearly over my mother in law can work some of those shifts so my husband is off on the weekends. This past weekend was the first weekend since January that my  husband was off for 2 days straight (other then when he had his vasectomy and I took the kids to my mom's that weekend anyways so he could rest).

We still have quite a bit to buy for baby #3. We need a high chair and dresser. We also are considering cloth diapering so I want to pick up some ecobums and give those a try. I need to find my breast pumps and then I think I'll feel much better. My Hubby did buy me a moby wrap last weekend and I'm super excited about that! I need to be a baby wearing mama since I'm going to have 3 kids so close in age!

Onto more exciting news, we're hoping to move. We would like to list our house by next Spring at the latest. We've found our target neighborhoods and we're very excited about it. The hubs has quite an extensive list of things he wants in a house though so I'm hoping we can find what we want in our price range. He wants a 4 bedroom w/ a 2 car garage and it has to have 2 bathrooms. He also wants a family room in addition to our living room and we definitely need to have a dining room or an eat in kitchen that can accomodate a table that seats a family of 5. A fenced in yard would also be nice because of the dogs, but worse case scenario, we'll have to tether them and let them out for potty breaks only until one can be installed (and that would be at the top of our to do list!).

We were hoping to move this summer but it seems unrealistic. The family has to sell the extra house and then the grandkids get their portions (inheritance from hubby's grandparents). That, along w/ the money I have saved will be our down payment. We're just hoping not to have to many problems saving our house. We are prepared to not make a penny off this house, but we don't want to come to the closing table owing money either.

I'm very anxious for the release of Aprillynne Pike's last book in her Wings series to be released on May 1st. I read the 1st three books of the series last year and I've been going nuts w/ anticipation for the conclusion! I can't wait! 4 more days! If I'm up having problems sleeping due to the lovely pregnancy induced restless leg syndrome, heart burn, acid reflux, braxton hicks, round ligament pain or just ten thousand pee breaks I might just find myself purchasing it online at the ereader store shortly after Midnight on May 1st while DH snores away in a blissful slumber LOL.

My friend Caletta is in town now too. It's nice for the kids to have their godmother in town but she's been in for over a week and has only seen us once so far. I am meeting her for tea tomorrow though. I know she's staying about 45 min to an hour away and she has a lot on her plate in her life right now but I feel like she's making time for someone else (plenty of it too) and that's not where she should be focusing her attention right now because she has so much to do and figure out. Not that I'm against her hanging out w/ this person in any way at all, I think it's good for her but I know she's only here for a short time and really does have a huge to do list. I guess I just thought I'd hear from her more. Tea will be nice tomorrow though (especially in the lychee bubble tea form from Bello Tea). Then I plan on stopping at Sweet Pea Consignment over in westmont to look at more adorable baby items for the munchkins, I don't know if she'll want to come with or not but I plan on going either way.

And while I'm talking about shopping. My mother in law actually has brought up going to the outlets with me twice now! I'm really excited. I love shopping for baby stuff but in all honestly, I'm not going to be the size of a beached whale all summer (god willing) and I'd love to check out the liz claiborne outlet and find some cute comfy tanks (preferably ones that will work for nursing since I plan on being a baby wearing, breast feeding, cloth diapering hippy mom it seems LOL).

My mom also said she's going to buy number 3 a new mobile. We like the fisher price one because it is battery operated and has nice lights. Our fish tank finally bit the dust after almost 4 years of use and I never liked the crank to start mobile 'cause it never lasted long enough.

OH and we have a name. Alayna Grace. I'm so excited! So we'll have our Amber Rose, Jackson Robert and Alayna Grace.

14 weeks

I can't believe I'm 14 weeks pregnant already. I'm starting to feel a little better. I can go to the grocery store w/ out getting sick (unless I walk past chicken). I'm tired but not as exhausted.

Jackson has been in 2x2 at our church (amber's preschool). Next week will be his last class for the winter session. He's been doing really well and is coming out of his shell.

Amber is doing really well in preschool. I talked to her teacher today & it was very reassuring to hear that she does have small issues (not listening) but she's only 3. The teacher told me not to worry that she's a respectful child. :-)

It's been like spring in Chicago latey. Fluke 50 degree weather (60 yesterday). This time last year was snowmageddon w/ 18 in. of snow and me up being a nervous wreck while Bob was out plowing in it.

We really could use some more snow though because we have quite a bit of debt to get ourselves out of.

I've been running around like a crazy woman w/ the kids lately. Monkey bizness last week. The arboretum & cosley zoo yesterday and the park today after 2x2, preschool, lunch & naps. We even went to the produce market & I cooked a nice home made meal. Which has been something I have not been doing much of lately.

Bob's mom bought us a beautiful cradle for the baby.


I started a registry at Babies R Us. I wasn't going to but my friend Liz told me about the boppy give away where one person who put $50 or more worth of boppy products on their registry would win their entire registry! I also will get a registry completion coupon a few weeks before my due date so I can get stuff cheaper.

We don't need much. Just some new bottles, binkies, sheets (bassinet & crib), baby bathing stuff (since Amber & Jackson are onto the suave kids products), a new high chair (ours was ruined from barf fest 2010) and a new crib soother. Our fisher price ocean wonders held up through 2 kids but it finally bit the dust. I think my mom might get us one though as a gift to the baby. I also want a few new nice blankets, we have some saved but they're kind of ratty after being washed so much. I put the chicco booser seat that attaches to the table on our registry too. We only have a table w/ 4 chairs & we're going to be a family of 5. It's an amish table so I have to look at amish stores for a matching chair! So in the mean time....the high chair I picked is just $44 and the booster for later is $35 so I don't feel so rushed to go out in search of matching chairs! I don't know how long baby #3 will stay in a high chair, but if he/she is anything like Amber & Jack....he'll/she'll want out by 8 mo. to be part of the table (or try climbing out if we don't make things happen!)

Utter Hatred

My rottweiler Carl has an utter hatred for the mail man. It's unbelievable. He charges the wall, window and back door while barking & growling trying to get outside. As soon as I touch him he calms down and if the kids are in the room he'll settle but still want out but it's obnoxious. Of course both kids are finally napping and I'm getting computer time and he starts his growling/barking insanity. A bark that comes out of a 120lb rottweiler is NOT anything like a bark from a smaller dog. My mom once compared his growling rumble to a bear LOL. So both kids starting moving in their beds. I'm hoping they settle back down. I love my Carl but sometimes I wish he would just settle down a little bit, he gets the other two crazy hair balls going with his shannanigans and that leaves me trying to settle down not only a 120lb rottweiler but a 60lb lab/coonhound mix and an 85lb lab/cane corso mix. GAH.....So at least now he's outside charging the fence 'cause the mail man is still on our block. And the funny thing is, he loves all people, I really think if the mail man came to the door that Carl would wag his nub and want to be pet.

short fuse

I just feel like I have a short fuse lately. I'm so tired and sick to my stomach and the kids are driving me bonkers. I can't wait to start to feel better. Between the constant screaming and messes and then the crying and fighting and then always needing something I find myself shaking and sick most of the day. Once I can eat w/ out feeling like crud I know I can handle the very day normalness of a 3 year old and 21 mo. old. I just need to make it a couple more weeks. I'm so happy our babysitter is coming over 2 x's a week from now on. Mondays and Fridays 1pm-5pm. It'll help me to get cleaning and shopping done w/ out worrying about the kids and I can even squeeze in some much needed naps. Amber goes back to preschool Wednesday too. Having only 1 kid in the mornings helps a lot!!! Even if it is only for 2 hours. When Jackson's alone he doesn't have anyone to fight with so he just plays or goes through books and puzzles while I get ready at my slow (trying not to vomit) pace. I feel like such a cruddy mommy lately.

Stinkin' Cold

I am so sick of this cold I could scream. I mean honestly, I've been coughing for like 8 weeks now. It's so bad that I'm to the point that I pee myself a little when I go into a total coughing fit. I also randomly vurp from the mucus and the acid reflux issues I'm having. The pregnancy isn't even bugging me much anymore in comparison to this cold. I threw up a stomach full of post nasal drip this morning. It's terrible. I was so dehydrated last night that Bob ran out to get me gatoraid. I can't stomach water. It's disguisting to me. He even admitted I wasn't looking to good. I feel like I've hit a brick wall most of the time.

My friend told me to try vitamin D3 in 5000IU dose (that's what her dr. who is a naturalist tells her to take). I googled around and it seems most dr.s recommend this for pregnant women in 4000IU dose but that some in only 400!!! WTF? So I think I'm going to meet in the middle. I researched the vitamin and it seems to have only good effects. My dr. is so conservative he'll probably advice against it. He's even known in the hosp. as being one of the most conservative doctors. He's a very good dr. But some things I feel like he could give a little on.

I'll probably call my general practicioner and ask her since she works through a different hospital and is less conservative. There is an ob/gyn in her office so she'll prob. confer with her and get back to me.

Nervous

My appt is in 40 min. My hubby is running late.
My stomach is super upset. I'm starving and there's nothing here I can eat (w/ out nearly vomiting)
The kids are being super gremlins and this cough is so bad that I even pee myself sometimes.
I'm sooooooooooo nervous about this u/s. My last one was when I m/c'd at the u/s office and nearly hemoraged to death. This is so hard for me to even walk into this office again and go through this again. I feel like I could have a panic attack having to go back there. I wish my dr. had other options.

I wish my stomach wasn't burning from hunger either. I had cream of wheat for breakfast & 2 pieces of toast w/ cream cheese around 10am.....soooooooooooo hungry I'm light headed. Today is not a good day.

Jackson also slammed his hand in the bedroom door and refuses to nap. He's just walking around crying and whining. I'm so stressed I don't want to deal with this. I just want to go by myself. I don't want my husband going with. I'm a ball of nerves and then I feel like I have to be a rock for him too and I just can't.

Happy Holidays

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :-)

I can't believe Christmas is 2 days away! It seems like we just celebrated Thanksgiving. We have a very busy holiday weekend planned. Today Bob gets off work at noon and he's bringing Lorena home with him. She'll be babysitting for us since I have a 1:20 ultrasound appointment. Hopefully we'll find out how far along I am soon. Tonight Lisa & Mike are coming over to exchange Christmas pressents. Last night Bob took Amber to our other neighbors (John & Chrissy) to exchange. My cough was really bad so I stayed home and let Jackson go to bed (we had planned on keeping him up to open gifts but he was tired anyways). They got Amber a cute hair bow set and a diary set that came w/ a pen that has 2 colors (all of which were proudly displayed on Amber's legs this morning LOL). Wednesday morning our neighbor Tracey stopped by to drop off gifts. She got us a game for game night and the kids a tent w/ a crawl tunnel. Since we have a crawl tunnel (and not much room for the tent) we took it to the play room at the tennis club & the kids had a BLAST! It was a great gift! Since they're up there playing 3 days a week it will get lots of use!

Tonight we're also going to let the kids open the gifts Caletta got them. She sends quite a bit & since they're 3 & almost 2, they get bored of opening after 10 min. & want us to do it. So we break it all up so they enjoy everything. We'll open Mike & Lisa's, after they leave I plan on making sugar cookies with Amber (so we'll have cookies to leave out for Santa of course) and then we'll open Auntie Caletta's gifts. Saturday morning we're going to Bob's mom's at 10am. She's doing brunch. So they'll open up whatever their Grandma & papa got them and I think whatever their cousin and uncle got them too. After we leave Bob's mom's we'll prob. swing by our house, drop off gifts and let the dogs out & then head over to my mom's.

Bob's family tends to over do things and over buy and I feel like it's a competition and a bit chaotic. Thankfully my mom's is much more low key. She gets the kids each 2 gifts. 1 is a small box of clothes (one or two outfits) and then a nice toy. She sends a savings bond since it's the gift that will keep giving. We'll have lasagna and an amish chicken and just relax. It's a nice time. If we have time we'll go to church but since we're going to be driving all over I'm not going to rush.

Christmas eve I'll have the kids throw out the "reindeer food" into the front lawn and leave cookies & milk for Santa. We'll set up a few toys so when they wake up on Christmas morning they'll see them. I have a folding slide and some stuffed animals and a cop car for Jackson.

My family (mom, sister & her fiance) will come over around 10:00'ish and we'll hang out, open gifts and I'm making Christmas lunch. It's nice and laid back. I love it. I'm making a huge meal! I'm a little nervous because I'm making a turkey breast for the 1st time ever. We're having turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potato, sweet potato, gravy, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, sweet corn and I have a cheese & sausage platter to set out and I'm making deviled eggs. I have red velvet petit fours for dessert. I also am making my famous apricot swizzle punch. I can't wait.

frazzled day

We went to church w/ the kids this morning. I was shakey and feeling crappy so we dropped Amber off for Sunday School & ran over to McDonalds. Jack fell asleep in the car so we ate in the car & woke him 10 min. before we had to pick Amber up & head over to service. He was crabby. He crabbed through all of service. It was communion today and I'm so used to communion at my old church where we take the cracker & then a drink from a small thimble cup that I didn't even think about it. We get in line at this church, take the cracker & then most dunk the cracker in a community cup. Well, since I have only taken 1 communion here I forgot and ate the cracker & then got to the cup. GAH. So the man was like "take a sip".......great...........I felt like such a dork drinking from the community cup but for my entire life (up til this church, and like I said, this is my 2nd communion here) it was cracker from pastor, walk over to a tray of tiny thimble cups, drink and place empty on the next tray. So it was 2nd nature to eat the cracker 1st. I hope I'm not the only person who had to drink from the community cup, I felt (and still feel) like a dork. Dork Dork Dork. I need to put a note in my bible as a reminder that communion in this church is different then every church I've ever been to in the past. I was always raised "eat first, then drink" not take and dunk then chew soggy. Gah............stupid me. But we do like this church & it's amber's preschool so we're trying to attend more.

I came home and laid down w/ Amber to watch toot & puddle's christmas special & bob watched the bears game with Jackson. I feel asleep for 3 hours. I was so exhausted. I'm still not feeling right. My mom's coming over by 8:30am so I need to be dressed and ready 'cause tomorrow is Amber's pre-school Christmas recital.

worry

I probably shouldn't, but I can't help myself. I don't have as many symptoms as I use to have and now I'm worried that something is wrong with this pregnancy/baby. I wake up and I'm ok. I tend to get a little shakey feeling around 10:00am'ish and sometimes I feel like I hit a brick wall around 1pm-3pm. I did notice last night that I had a much more difficult time sleeping on my stomach and my boobs still feel like punching bags but I'm not nautious like I use to be. It has me worried. After my last loss that was so bad (I nearly died) I'm just worried. Very Very Worried! I go next Friday (6 more days) to the office for my scheduled ultra sound. I guess if I keep worrying I can call my dr. and see if he can tell them I need to get in sooner. I wish I weren't so paranoid. What's meant to be will be.

Last night we had Bob's work Christmas Party and I was able to eat for the most part. The ranch def. stood out to me on the salad and the soup seemed peppery to me (I'm always pepper sensitive) but dinner was good. The green beans were great, the steak was dry but ok. I didn't want to eat the chicken, it had a wierd smokey taste to it (Bob said it was great and there was no smokey taste) so I didn't eat that. I did love the ice cream after dinner. Bob was even surprised I was able to eat as easily as I did. So that has me worried too. Normally at night I don't eat so well.

I hate not knowing how far a long I am. I think I might be 8 weeks....I should be feeling much cruddier.

Not feeling up to it

Tonight is my husbands Christmas party and I'm not looking forward to it. I am bulky looking. I guess 'cause it's my 7th pregnancy and I have 2 kids (3 and under) that all that flabby belly skin (even though I was a size 8 a few weeks ago) just wanted to puff out and make me look more pregnant then I am. Nothing fits. I'm in maternity pants. Grantid I don't know how far along I am. I'm either about 8 weeks or 11 weeks. I go next Friday for an ultrasound and then we'll know for sure. So I had to buy a dress in a size 12 just to hide the buldge. I bought shoes w/ mega heels to give me height and hopefully make me look leaner. I also have a push up bra that adds 2 sized (urgh) to help take focus off my belly. It's hard for me being #1 the boss's wife and #2 the owners daugther in law because people actually do pay attention to me. I can't wall flower it and hide or I seem rude and like I don't want to socialize with the employees. And it's at my mother in laws other business (banquet hall) so I have to be nice to the wait staff too who will try to talk to me. I look like I haven't slept in days and I feel like crap. I know it's all good signs that things are going ok. I did just eat some left over stew (at 4:30 pm LOL) because dinner isn't til like 8pm. The banquet starts at 7pm and I'll be enjoying some shirley's tonight LOL. If any one asks I'll just say I have a long day with the kids tomorrow or lie and say they're dirty shirley's. Looks the same to the unsuspecting eye.

I'm in the 1 lucky spot. If I were at a party w/ my friends and didn't want them to know and pulled the "dirty shirley" card then one of my friends would be like "oooooh give me a sip" but at a work party, no one would ask the boss's wife for a sip.

I also am ready for lounge pants and bed by 9pm most nights and we're not even starting salad until 8pm........I tried laying down on amber's bunk while she napped on the couch and Jackson climbed on me and I realized I fell asleep. Only for about 3 min because little einsteins was still on the same song but Jackson had made it to the desk, into the check book and had the credit cards out LOL. Way to parent. LOL.

I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I possibly can because #1, you never know if it'll last, I did lose my last baby (prior to the chem. preg.) at 11w6d. And #2, this is my last pregnancy no matter what. I won't go through this again. We want 3 kids and I'm hoping this works out that we have our 3rd child, but if it doesn't,....I'm not going for 8 pregnancies, I'll just be happy with the 2 I have. It takes to much away from my kids w/ feeling crappy and then the recovery if I lose and all the doctors visits and lab work. So this is it. I'm really hoping everything keeps on working out ok.

sometimes worried, sometimes not

All morning I was worried that something was wrong. I've had a decrease in pregnancy symptoms, but now, I ate lunch about 45 min. ago and my stomach is upset feeling. I haven't been as sick in the mornings as I was before and the smell of food hasn't been making me as sick. I'm able to eat more but I still have an extensive "do not eat" list and the thought of some foods makes me instantly sick. I just want everything to be ok. I go back to the doctor tomorrow.

I also have Lorena here tomorrow and I have quite a bit to get done. I have to go to Michaels and get some meltable chocolate and pick up pretzil rods and some little decorative bags and ties for the chocolate covered pretzils for Bob's mom's bake sale that benefits St. Jude Childrens hospital.

Friday is the work christmas party and I literally have nothing to wear. I'm so bloated and I'm really trying to hide this as long as possible. I don't know if I should go buy something or not. Saturday Bob wanted to get together w/ some friends and have a game night at the house, somehow I'm supposed to stay awake and function for that. Saturday afternoon he's going to get his tattoo so I'll be alone with the kids all day. Wednesday night I have to drive out to Aurora in rush hour traffic (should take 90 min.) to see Miranda in the wedding dress she thinks she wants. Just so much going on. I'm so stressed.

And then I have the constant worry that something could be wrong w/ this pregnancy in the back of my mind. I don't want to jinx myself. I'm not spotting. I spotted w/ the last two. I keep checking as if I'm waiting for it to start. I think when it's your 7th pregnancy and you only have 2 living children to show for it that you become very paranoid and worried.

so alone

I am so tired of feeling so alone. I try to just suck it up and deal with it but sometimes it overwhelms me. This morning I finally lost it and freaked out. Amber had been whining and screaming and she tried to hit Bob, she spent 15 min. on the naughty mat, she tells us no, it was ridiculous. Bob gave her breakfast & she threw it all over the kitchen. Jackson is just screaming to be picked up constantly. Bob took Duke in for his vaccinations and Amber started telling me how hungry she was & she wanted nuts for lunch. I told her to wait, we'd figure out a better lunch once I did my hair. I still had a towel on my head! I just wanted to toss some gel in so it wouldn't frizz. None of my clothes look good on me. I have nothing to hide the fact that I'm in maternity pants and I have to go to my sisters wedding dress shopping outing today. My mom will surely comment about my pants. I don't want to tell people yet. We don't even know how far along I am. My mom asks a million questions and won't stop asking even after I tell her there is no answer. My dr. even can't figure out how far along I am, he said it's a miracle I'm even pregnant. I go back tuesday & he'll give me a script for an u/s and then we should have an idea. I know I'm at least 7 weeks but could be up to 10 or 11. Anyways, Amber started yelling at jackson and I lost it. I don't swear around my kids and I hardly ever raise my voice. I swore and yelled and sent her to nap and Jack was so upset he just followed. Then she was doing her fake cry screatch that she does and I told her I'd give her something to cry about if she didn't knock it off. I just can't take it anymore.

My mom has NEVER babysat Jackson and he's 20 mo. old. My mother in law did not babysit either child the entire end of October or most of November. On November 27th I was supposed to go to the ob/gyn, she offered to babysit for the first time in like 4 or 5 weeks. He got called for an emergency delivery so my appt. got rescheduled but she offered to still take them for 3 or 4 hours since she hadn't seen them in so long. That was the last time she baby sat them. We're going on 3 weeks again now. BUT she has my niece all the time, even went to the circus with her. She then makes comments that she misses Amber and Jackson. I just want to yell "Well B*tch......make time for them then." I tell her and my mom "If you want to see them just tell me, I'll make them available and even drive them out to you".............the phone doesn't ring. But they both make comments about missing them. Whenever we ask them to babysit it's a huge ordeal. My mom starts making excuses, she lives alone and complains that she does nothing but sit with her cats and never goes out or does anything but when we ask her to watch Amber because Amber tells us she misses her, she suddenly is busy. But then she'll slip up a week later & admit she sat home & did nothing. Bob's mom gets out her "book" and is surprise surprise, booked up for 2-3 weeks solid with Riley so she can't squeeze in Amber and Jackson. I'm so fed up.

I wish my step dad Rich were still alive. He wanted to be a grandpa. He never would of let my mom be the way she is. He was a good man. He was the only person I had to ever rely on and the only family I ever had. Even my mom's friends made a joke at cookie day a few weeks ago that I was on my own since I was 12. My mom was never around. I have less then 5 childhood memories of my mom. My grandma raised me. My dad before he turned 40 because drugs & booze were more important. All my memories of him are terrible. Yelling. Screaming. Hitting. Throwing. He was a terrible father and my mom was a horse shit mother. My grandma and my step father were the only people in my life worth anything and my step father was only around from about age 16-26. Not fair! I needed him still!!!! My grandma passed away almost 2 years ago.

My inlaws are terrible. I can't stand them. My brother in law is selfish and only cares about himself. My father in law drinks a lot and doesn't like me because of my mother in law. And my mother in law doesn't like me because of years of lies my ex sister in law told her. My ex sister in law even admitted to me and my husband's faces that she made up stuff for years to turn the family against me. So everyone hates me because of lies. And no one will accept that they don't even know me.

I hate.

That basically sums up how I feel.

I hate so much. I hate so many. I hate having hate in my heart and I feel like I'm constantly screwed over. Here I am, 31, pregnant for the 7th time and scared to death I'll lose this one too. I have 2 kids thank GOD! I have a husband that I think loves me. But that's really it. My 2 closest friends live so far away, one 90 min. in the car, the other 3 hours on a plane.

My sister is selfish and never around, I can't rely on her.

I hate where we live. It's terrible. The schools are terrible. The people are terrible. The traffic is terrible. But we're stuck. I am grateful we have a house, I just wish we could relocate it. I LOVE our house, even if it is small, it's home. It's our home.

I want to live in Decatur and I have to give that dream up. I feel like decatur is home. My cousins live there, I love them. Everyone is so nice. I feel like I'm part of something. I know they are busy and have their own lives, but just having family around that does want to hang out and be together is so nice. They do sunday lunches and when we visit we're just expected to be there. Everyone eats and has a good time. It's family and I need that so bad. I feel so empty here.

But bob works for his mom and their business is here so I have to give up everything. I have to give up family and love and feeling like I fit in. I have to live here with In-laws who hate me, my mother who is a total selfish a-hole and who only cares about my sister who only cares about herself.

If miranda's car breaks down or something happens my mom runs to help her. If mine has to go into the shop I have to take both kids and sit for hours. If miranda wants a shopping partner, my mom goes. I have to take both kids by myself and often strangers help me out when they're out of control. If miranda wants to get food, my mom takes her and treats, if I ask she turns me down 9 out of 10 times.

I hate.

Holy Crap!

Dr.  McInerney just called me at home at my HCG level is just over 2,000 and my progesterone level is at 20!!!!!!!!!!!!! he said those numbers are great and I don't need to use the suppositories.

Dr.'s office today

So I had a 1:15pm dr.'s appointment.
I waited til 1:33 to see the nurse (I had gotten there at 1:00pm so I already felt like I was waiting forever since I was so nervous about finding out if I was pregnant or not)
I told the nurse I had taken tests & they came back positive & asked if that was even possible because I was told I didn't ovulate. She said "let's do a test and see". She did one on me & it came back positive. So then she said she wasn't sure if the doctor would want to meet with me or just send me right over for lab work. It took another 20 min. before she could get ahold of him (it was very busy in his office today) and he wanted to see me. He did an exam & said my uterous felt swollen and said he's seen lots of miracles around the holidays. He didn't have an explanation other then maybe I ovulated early which makes no sense to me because I took my OPK like 3 days after I stopped bleeding from my period and my progesterone 8 days later was abnormally low. So he prescribed me a progesterone pill and the pharmacy just called me to tell me it's been filled.

I went for blood work after the dr.'s office & the tech butchered my arm. It was bad. I still hurt & I am not a wimp about blood tests. I go back Thursday around 3pm for my 48 hour repeat.

When I told Bob he wasn't happy. He actually was rather numb & didn't have much to say to me. He doesn't want 3. He wanted to wait to have a 3rd if we were even going to have a 3rd. If this doesn't work out and I have another loss I'm going to tell him to just get his vasectomy because he doesn't want this and I don't want to make him feel like he has to.

confused

So the dr's office called me about 2 weeks ago & told me I didn't ovulate.
Someone please tell me how yesterday & today I got a postive on a HPT.
Dr.'s appointment tomorrow in the afternoon. Hopefully I get some answers.
This is all also fabulous timing for Bob to tell me he wants to hold off on having more kids.
I haven't told him I pregnant yet. I figured I'd wait until after I talked to the dr. tomorrow.
If it's just another chemical pregnancy there's no point in him even knowing right now.

Life lately

Life lately hasn't been the greatest.
I found out I was pregnant in September (right around my bday) and it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. My dr. told me to have a cycle in October and then start using OPK's and to call his office when I got a + OPK because they would send me for blood work. I got a positive and went 8 days later for blood work. The office called me 5 days after that and told me my progesterone level was 7.14 and normal after ovulation is 10 so that means I didn't ovulate. So now I will meet with my doctor tomorrow at 12:30 to find out what to do next. I have been so stressed out about this. I feel broken.

I had blood work done in September w/ my loyola dr. to find out about my +ANA and it turned out I had antibodies for sjogrens syndrome. I went to see her last week for a follow up and discovered I am at half strength in my dominant hand so now I'm in a splint for the next month.

I have been so stressed out I feel like I'm going to lose it. All Jackson does is scream all day. He climbs the safety gates and gets to everything. Today I was helping Amber in the bathroom, she got her underwear somehow tangled up in her leggings. In the time it took me to help her, he climbed the baby gate, pushed the kitchen table chair to the counter and climbed up & was going for the knifes! I ran, fell, thought I sprained my wrist and got to him in time. It was such a blur. That kid is like spider man. I never imagined a child could climb so quickly! I didn't even hear him moving the chair across the floor cause of the skid proof coasters on the bottom of the chairs. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. He screamed on and off for 7 hours today 'cause I wouldn't let him cry. It was 42 and raining out so I couldn't take him outside.

Today was/is my husbands birthday and it's ruined. He came home, Jack climbed the table while I was trying to feed the dogs. He fell off the table. I got so mad I threw the plastic tupperware bowl. My husband was right there!!!! He should have stopped Jack, I was busy. I went to the bedroom & slamme the door. We have CHEAP doors and my shoe rack hangs on the back of it. My shoe went through the door. Now we have to buy another door and money is so tight. I feel like such an asshat for slamming the door but my body aches from all the lifting (jack off of things) today. I'm exhausted and I feel like I have no one.

Amber is so easy and I feel like she's neglected some days 'cause she's the easy one. I'm constantly busy with Jack and she'll just go watch TV and be a complete angel. She's so happy just having a cup of milk and watching TV and jack is into EVERYTHING. He even tp'd the bathroom while I was getting her a cup of water. He's so fast! He gets past every baby proofing object we buy. He has even figured out how to unbuckle the safety latches on shopping cart seats! Nothing I do seems to keep him "safe".

My husband packed the kids up and left. Just left. He took them to go out w/ MY mom and MY sister and her fiance for his b-day dinner and just left me home. I watched a show I recorded and had a beer. I feel better but I feel like a total jerk. I have so much stress and I'm having such a hard time coping.

My family is never there when I need them. They work & live far and when I'm stressed w/ no help...it's just me. I don't feel like I have family I can rely on.

My mother in law watches my niece like 3 x's a week but has no problem going weeks with out seeing my kids and she basically admitted to me that my niece is her favorite. It sucks and I really hate my mother in law for the way she is. I have such a hard time trying to like her. I feel fake and I'm not a fake person. I hate being around her. I hate having to be nice to her. I hate having to do anything with her because she is very unfair w/ my the kids. She favors my niece, she'll spoil her & buy her toys and clothes and take her to the rainforest cafe, choo choo diner and to plays and the circus but doesn't do anything with my kids. My niece's parents (are seperated) make $100,000 EACH! We make $70,000 total. Our kids don't get to do those extra's because money is tight. We are VERY fortunate to budget in a pass to the zoo and the arboretum and a trip to a indoor play area once a month. So it's not like my kids do with out but we're not as fortunate as my brother in law and ex sister in law and mother in law spoils the heck out of their child but does nothing for mine. We'll be out & she'll buy toys for my  niece and NOTHING for my kids who are standing there and sometimes I Just can't budget something so they watch gifts being bought and get nothing from their own grandmother. I just wish she wouldn't do it in front of them. It bugs me that she does it at all but it really bugs me when they have to witness. I know it teaches them a lesson that they don't always get things and that they need to be happy with what they have but it's still obnoxious. Why shove her favortism in their faces? They'll grow up resenting her, which I find some peace in because I resent her so much.

She babysits for my ex sister in law so she can go to the spa or get her hair done or go out for martini's with her friends but never for me. I pay $10/ hour for someone to watch my kids if I need to get my hair done. Last year I quit getting it professionally done. I just dyed it from a box to get rid of grays so I didn't have to pay so frequently & would go 4 months w/ out a hair cut & get crappy cuts from great clips because they're faster. I can't spend $80 at a salon and $30 in babysitting. My husbands work schedule isn't reliable because guess what? he works for his mom. So if she needs to help out brother in law or ex sister in law then my husband has to work longer days or more days so I can't make appointments for fun. Making dr.'s appointments is about 4 weeks of scheduling. I'm tired of my life revolving around theirs and them being so spoiled w/ the free babysitting.

I don't expect someone to just do all this for me but it's hard living here and seeing it happen like 3 times a week. I can't wait for us to move, at least then my in laws won't be 3 min. down the road and ignoring us and treating my kids like they don't exist right under my nose.

What fumes me the most is how my Brother In law is a liar and my sister in law admitted to lying to the family and trying to ruin my marriage for 4 YEARS. Now that's dedication. And my mother in law jumps through hoops for them. My husband and I work hard and have no one to ever rely on and have been victims of his family for years. I wish we could cut ties but he works for them. In this economy he can't just up and quit. He has job security.

I commented on my friend's page last week that my mother in law said she wouldn't get my daughter a doll for Christmas because my niece takes her dolls in the tub & ruins them. UHM, what does my niece have to do with my daughter? It's not fair. She even bases the gifts she gets Amber off of Riley. Well, my brother in law went psycho & told my husband I'm talking sh*t and that he's done biting his tongue and it was crazy. He even copied and pasted the comment to my husband. My husband told him "dude, she didn't say anything bad" and so to get revenge, my brother in law told my mother in law I was saying bad things on Facebook. She asked me what Amber wanted (the other day) for Christmas and I said "well, my mom got her a doll and I got her..." and she cut me off and said "OH no, no dolls. I'm not getting either girl a doll"..................WTF? Uhm, my daughter LOVES dolls. That's all she really wants. So my mother in law said she saw some animal thing on the TV that she thinks my daughter would like. I 100% guarantee she won't like it, she's in a doll phase. She's 3. It's just her thing now, she's ignoring all her toys except for her dolls lately. I hope whatever my mother in law gets her comes w/ a gift receipt. Then she asked me to email her some non doll ideas.

Why won't she just get her what she likes? What is wrong with this woman?

So I did send her over a few things. Amber has a mobigo and could use a few new games. It was nearly impossible coming up with any other ideas. My daughter wanted the lalaloopsy doll. I bought that for her and my sister got her one in pink (I bought her yellow silly hair). My mom got her an Our Generation doll from Target that she wanted. She also wanted a Dora princess doll, she LOVES Dora and I couldn't put that on the list. I'm so frustrated.

I'm thinking of finding someone to talk to because I don't know how to deal with his family anymore. I know this is all trivial stuff, but 5 years of it is really taking a toll on me. I've never met a group of people who purposely try to continually hurt someone & who purposely want to hurt a childs feelings. It's so aggrivating. I am ready to snap.

Vandalism, Burglary and threats

So here's the long one I promised in my craft fair blog.
Last Winter Bob hired this guy named Jim to work the front desk. Well, the guy ended up being a terrible employee. He would drink on his shift and Bob found a bottle of beer in his desk drawer! He even accused his brother because who on his staff would do that? Most had been there for many years. Well, the day we were buying my mini van (in May, before my m/c) Jim called Bob while we were at the sales desk working out the details on the van and he demanded a raise. Bob said "uhm, you haven't been with me 90 days, we evaluate your performance after 90 days and we'll discuss a raise then. Jim said "Well, if you're not going to give me a raise I'm leaving" and Bob said "ok, if you don't want to wait til your probation period is up that is fine" and Jim hung up. So Bob called the front desk and talked to the other front desk person who informed him that Jim came in, cracked a beer, sat at Bob's desk, called Bob, then came out front, screamed and made a scene and walked out. CRAZY. Well, since he walked out during his probationary period, no unemployment.

So a few weeks later Bob had to go up to the club for something and he stayed to work out. When he got out someone had broken his windows on his truck and his sun roof. WTF? Now there's shattered glass everywhere, even in the kids car seats! So we had to have that replaced.

Now in the mean time Bob tells me that he wants to hang out with Beth. The front desk girl who worked with Jim. He said she's really nice and he is going to make her the night manager. I like Beth. Her and I have talked and she is very sweet. So I'm ok with this. We went to a Sox game w/ her and her sister. We invited her over on the 4th of July to watch fire works. I really do like Beth but I've been apprehensive about her for a while.

She had told Bob when his truck windows were busted that she talked to Jim & Jim knew all about it and then was acting wierd saying "maybe he was targeted, maybe people were looking for something"

Well Bob took that as hilarious & thought "there's nothing to find out about me" I quickly said "well, did you have anything in your truck w/ your home address on it?" because I'm home all day w/ the kids and during the winter when Bob's plowing I'm home alone at night with them. Bob said no, that he didn't think so.

I will say, though it concerns me, it doesn't totally scare me because as I've stated in past blogs, I work with rottweiler rescue. At this current time I have 3 dogs in my house. A 75lb cane corso lab mix, a 65lb lab/hound mix and a 120lb pure bred rottweiler. ALL are very protective over this house, myself and especially the children. Even with a gun, one can only fire off so many shots w/ out being attacked by the dog that didn't get in the way. I love my pets and I'd never want anything to happen to them but I also have to consider if some insane nutjob had my address.....I'd stand a chance of getting out on time w/ the kids 'cause of my dogs and dogs are so loyal, they'll protect their loving family til the end. This is why I rescue and why I help the extreme abuse/neglect cases...no creature deserves that!

Well.....I also have been sleeping w/ my car keys next to my side of the bed because I have the panic button on them & my car is always in the drive next to my house. I could hit that button to draw attention. My cell is bedside and I have the dogs.

So I'll get back to Jim. Well, now a few weeks ago someone broke into the tennis club. Broke through the front doors and then through the 2nd set of glass doors. This guy Jim had a buddy named Nick working at the club. Nick STILL has a key to the club. Bob can't get ahold of him to get the key back and it's $1,400 a lock to get those locked changed so Bob's being cheap and sacraficing the safety of his employees. THIS ticks me off to no end. THIS is what we got into a fight about last night. He is however having an alarm system installed next week so I guess it won't matter so much.  The system is extensive & will cover every door to the club, even the random utility doors. Well, Beth text messaged Bob last night that Jim text or called her (I couldn't tell which, bob was vague) and that Jim knew about the break in & even said "they probably just took the TV"..........UHM, that's the ONLY thing that was taken.

I said when the break in happened that it was Jim. It wouldn't surpise me if they got in w/ Nick's key & just busted everything up to be destructive. And to take a TV we bought the day after thanskgiving on the black friday clearance for like $400 was so stupid. All that damage, the risk of being caught & going to jail.....for a $400 tv.....I knew it wasn't random,....I knew it was someone w/ something against him.

I'm not stupid and I'm sick and tired of Bob acting like I am and being so stupid about everything. Then he tries to push it off on his mom like "well, she wouldn't approve this and that"

I told him the next thing that's going to happen is he's going to be targeted. I'm worried. I'm worried that one winter night while Bob's plowing that someone is going to attack him or shoot or stab him. This guy is demented and he's not stopping. He waits a couple months and attacks again and each time it's bolder and bigger.

I keep typing more and realizing this is a public blog and I need to not type to much.
I have a craft fair I need to go get ready for. Time to end this blog.